Muslim match-making continued

The use of email and phone is ubiquitous on the Muslim dating/arranged marriage scene. There is a preference to email a potential before the meeting stage, sometimes leading to a resounding “no”, before knowing what a person looks or sounds like.

It’s about time British Muslims went back to basics; it is healthy and meaningful for two people to simply meet, rather than having their credentials scrutinised, intellectualised and picked apart prematurely.

For when two people meet, there is a meeting of two souls, for which no amount of match-making of biodata, height, weight, qualifications can predict the outcome.

A life partner should be someone with whom one feels comfortable, and at peace, without the need to say anything at all.

This is what epitomises the poetic beauty of human relationships. Sometimes it isn’t about things in common, but simply the meeting of two kindred spirits who just work, and who find out they want to be together.

 

How to do marriage PR

The plethora of social media is a great way to promote yourself:

Men:

Post pictures of yourself with children such nieces, nephews and friends’ children (the cuter the better). If you’re looking quite brawny this will create an even better contrast between your manly and caring side.

Expose your caring side in your writing. Particularly emphasise how much you love your mother, sister and the female members of your family.

Women:

Let people know you’ve been cooking and post photos of your best dishes.

Make sure your profile picture is one where you’re looking quite exquisite. A picture of you at a wedding would be ideal for this, and a photoshopped one would be better.

The marriage poem

Too fat

Too thin

Too tall

Too small

Too young

Too plain

Too modern

Too vain

Too black

Too white

Too thick

Too bright

Too bald

Too old

At this rate

Too late!

Matchmaking: A new civic duty (2)

I would like to make a quarterly plea to the British Muslim community about the worrying state of affairs for our young unmarried Muslims.

With the ever proliferation of searching options available: Marriage bureaus, internet sites, marriage events, and not to mention the traditional routes, young Muslims and not-so-young seem no step closer to finding that ever elusive partner. There is something going horribly wrong.

Is it not about time that we take affirmative action before we find an Ummah of lonely and frustrated spinsters?

As a British Muslim community, we have started to express our woes in cultural narratives .The Muslim community now also enjoys its own version of chick-lits. Shelina Jan Mohamed wrote ‘Love in a Headscarf’ last year. I felt much of what she said echoed the experiences of my own circle. Other chick-lits have subsequently been written, and many more stories are waiting to be told…..

And now we even have Muslim self-help websites such as practimate which teaches one how to be marketable to the opposite gender. Though it’s commendable that somebody is trying to help, and it’s a rather curious initiative, I am rather disappointed we got ourselves into this situation in the first place.

Matchmaking: A New Civic Duty

British Islam has produced a generation of bright young Muslims who are ‘with it’ and maxing life to the full. This contemporary breed of Muslims are spiritual yet worldly, educated, and accomplished, and yet one vital thing is just missing from their lives.

They are infinitely single. 

The single life has its fair share of advantages, such us the time to nurture one’s self development. This article proceeds on the basis however that many are looking to settle down. Everyone seems to be looking and no one seems to be getting married. How did we get to this state of affairs?

There is a one factor in particular which limits young Muslims’ choices and that is keeping to one’s ethnicity. Parents and elders do not understand that this is holding the Muslim community back. No, we are no longer in Lahore, Sylhet or Mogadishu but here in the UK. The Qur’an famously states ‘O mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another’.  We all know of couples who have experienced many painful and unnecessary obstacles in trying to marry their chosen partner of a different ethnicity – some who ended up marrying and others who sadly did not. Maybe it’s about time we moved on from this archaic and backward attitude.

Recently Islamic circles had a talk exploring the racial hierarchies that exist in the Muslim community. The talked pointed out that black revert males have difficulties in marrying Muslims from a South Asian background, but middle-class white reverts seem to have no similar problem. This problem is quite telling in the deep racial hierarchies that prevail in society within a post-colonial era – racial hierarchies which endure amongst Muslims (and non-Muslims). Should we not be pioneers of racial equality? And are not mixed-race children normally quite beautiful?

The problem of finding a suitable marriage partner is compounded by social demographics and historical circumstances which further narrow and restrict the choices of young Muslims, that are particular to the Muslim diaspora:

• Muslims are of a minority faith in the UK and make up approximately 9% 
• Traditionally Muslim parents and community elders would find suitable spouses for their children, but current immigrant families have limited networks which are often exhausted
• Parents often marry their child to someone ‘back home’ particularly the males, leaving the females with limited choices

Those who have such racial prejudices should etch these facts onto their brains.

So, young British Muslims are already facing a unique set of circumstances. Added to this is a certain ‘fussiness’ which has emerged over the years. We know that a lot of single Muslims are friends. At first glance, these friends would appear well matched, and are born of the ‘with-it breed’ which I previously described. What is going wrong? Are young Muslims getting over the initial mystery and magnetism of girl-meets-boy, and no longer considering each other as romantic partners? I believe that this is the crux of the issue. It seems romantic notions of ‘The one’ have also permeated the Muslim psyche into believing that this elusive person exists. Only a few people experience love and connection from the outset, but for most these develop over time.

I am certainly not saying that all friends are potential marriage partners because that would be too simplistic, but that a variety of potential partners exist in this world. In other words, give people a chance.

Lastly, I might be wrong but it seems a new breed of men is emerging – the Muslim metrosexual man. He has many female networks but none of them are a worthy match. Is he gay? Probably not. Is he looking for a model? Probably. If you are one of these men you know who you are.

 Recommendations

• Speak to parents and community elders regarding the folly of keeping to one’s ethnicity.  
• Is there someone you like but it never quite got off the ground? Be direct, mature, and responsible and do something about it, particularly if you are a man.
• Make match-making a civic duty whether you are single or married. Do you know two people who might get on? Make recommendations to them with diplomacy and tact. It is likely they are looking if the said people are single and over 25.
• Try and arrange gatherings which bring people together socially. There is no need to tell people that it is for matchmaking – they can figure it out.