On coming of age

Turning 30 was not particularly momentous. My cheeks did not cave in, crows feet did not land around my eyes and my hair did not thin into a silvery wisp.

At least my appearance had not altered dramatically but inwardly there was a little revolution – to buckle up and finally anchor myself – to a place and purpose. My twenties were a time of dabbling in everything of interest, exploring horizons of the inner and outer worlds, and indulging myself that there was plentiful time to ask what is the point of it all?

My twenties were also marked by an attitude that we are not obliged to live other’s scripts – of society, our parents, peers, friends or elder siblings. When we stagger back in sheer awe of this world – and the endless possibilities – why clip our wings into the trappings of conformity? Paradoxically, only Islam – thankfully – was my constant and compass.

The day I turned 30, a quiet inner voice whispered to me that it was time to bring it all together, and settle down to a main focus. A path needs to be chosen from the dearth of possibilities.

My Pakistani identity is spurring my on, and I’m finally succumbing to the opinions of my peers. It did not seem to matter what other people thought, but now with the number three and zero it somehow does. And with age, exploration feels a little like chaos sometimes. I have finally had enough of letting myself being tossed-and-turned in the squall of life. The squall may have been exhilarating, but now I’d like the boat to pull up onto tranquil shores.

Insh’Allah in my new, anchored life, I will find ways to find pockets of adventure.

Self-help ideology

I benefit from a good self-help book and can pick up interesting tips for self improvement. There is a however a fallacy that everything is fixable, or even that some things ought to be fixed. It is titles like Paul McKenna’s “I can make you thin” which make me cringe in particular and sound a little lucrative, and furthermore add to the weight-loss industry.

The main problem is the claim to a universal set of rules in these books. In “The Secret” it says that the application of the “Laws of Attraction” will allow a person to attract whatever she wants just by thinking about it, and other books ensure “getting rich, quick”. The latter type of book cannot ignore the fact that there are deep inequalities within our society which are not easily fixed through some simple rules.

One aspect of the genre talks about the power of positive thinking. As a general point, positive thinking is to be applauded. Pain however is a brute fact of life, and at times ought to be acknowledged, and could otherwise lead to repression. There are specific words in other languages conveying certain types of pain; in German the word “Weltshmertz” means the pain felt for all the suffering in the world.

Iyanla Vanzant’s talks about the low points in our life as ‘valleys’ and acknowledges it is acceptable to sometimes feel at a low. The constant theme of life is the repeated cycle of life and death, which also applies to the emotional state of our health.

Indeed the ‘zeitgeist’ of our times is that things are easily fixable with the click of a button. Take this pill and you will be slim. Go on a holiday and you will no longer be depressed. Have a makeover and you will feel better about yourself. Life is far more unpredictable and certain things are not easily fixed. Sometimes you need to live in a valley in order to see and appreciate the mountain.

The ideology of career, “status anxiety” and nurturing the self

I have recently awoken from the ideology of a “career”. For the past 5 years since graduation, my mental focus has been on my life’s vocation, and my “career”. I believed  making a difference was my raison etre, and therefore developing my career was important in fulfilling this vocation.

But due to the recession it’s been extremely difficult to get my foot into the not-for-profit sector and, as there hasn’t been a break-through, I’ve increasingly had strong feelings of malaise and self-questioning. Why are my peers, at least on the face of it, making progress and appearing to have fulfilling and rewarding careers and I’m not? Am I less talented and employable? Clearly, such thinking is unhelpful and self destructive.

Since my recent birthday, I have started putting my life into perspective again. I realised I had lost sight of the bigger picture and that life could pass by in this worthless anxiety.

There are narratives out there which are well aware of how modern society gives so much mental space to “The Career”. Alain de Botton talks about this in “Status Anxiety” and his TED talk “A kinder, gentler philosophy of success”.  He highlights that we live in a meritocracy in which we are sold the idea that we can be whatever we want. The reality however is that there are deep inequalities which make this impossible, leading to our anxiety. In other words, career progression is not due solely to individual merit but due to circumstances outside of our control.

An insightful book has also built my growing conscience. In the humorous “How to be Idle”, though nonetheless deadly serious, Tom Hodgkinson talks about how the ‘protestant work ethic’ was specifically designed during the Industrial Revolution to foster a disproportionate and unhealthy relationship to work, in order to keep the masses toiling. In other words, society’s focus wasn’t always about “The Career” and we have been brainwashed to make it the centre of our lives.

The message for me is not to make my career my world. And to remember not to measure my worth based on my career status. This is difficult though, when a small voice whispers to me that I am failing and not achieving the standards of my peers, but I guess I will need to talk back to that voice. The status of the career is so deeply embedded in our psyche.

And when I mean nurturing self, what exactly am I talking about? I’m talking about The Good Life, about reading, writing, exercise, time for thinking and meditation, spending time with family and friends.  Essentially, stuff which isn’t about creating an output or striving towards some worldly achievement, but what you do for your own pleasure or benefit. When you apportion time for yourself, life starts being a gift again and not solely a burden.

Does society’s judgement of our status ever really count?  It is of course, ultimately Allah who knows who we are, and whether we are truly trying to live our lives wisely within this ephemeral existence. Ultimately it is He who will be the ultimate judge, and justly so.

On being part gypsy

There is an ongoing tension in my life; Between wanting a life of achievement, characterised by strategies and focus, and between one of exploration and seeing where life takes me.

The former calling is to make it in the not-for-profit sector, and the other calling is a dream like drifting to mountains, seas and lands, metaphorical and physical, and the pursuit of reading, walking, art and staring into stars.

Existing, to love, feel, explore, tremble, meander, to live.

When I find myself unable to focus on career development and seeing it through, particularly during this recession, I think perhaps I should resign myself on the fact that I am part-gypsy. Maybe my life should be about drifting from station to station rather than pursuing a clear, neat career trajectory.

The irony is that I admire those who make it to CEO, who write a novel, get a first for their degree, make it as Emeritus Professors.

But if I chose a life of wandering, I would reflect back on life in my rocking chair, knowing that I hadn’t achieved anything particularly awe-inspiring, but knowing my life was well travelled and lived.

The pursuit of the authentic life

I will never forget this time of my life.

I have worked my way into poverty, in order to pursue my chosen career path, my dream, my vocation. It’s rather painful at times, but it’s far too late to turn back now. I’ve been told that this is the time to pursue my interest and vocation while I’m not tied down.

I left a potential career in local government, a potential neat little salary, which would have allowed me to sit back in comfort, perhaps a little smug. But I didn’t have a choice, because the cog-wheel like existence would have triggered an early death, and vegetated my brain. Neither the private sector and its pursuit of profit and growth would have left me alive.

While working on a neat little salary I lived the life of easy spending. I booked holidays with a click of a button, ate at restaurants barely looking at the receipt, bought fancy cheeses from the supermarket. I bought cardigans made from delicate materials, and hijabs blended with silk.

But my intellect and soul were not nourished.

I am now nourished by hopes, dreams and aspirations. I cannot book a holiday, but can go for a pleasant walk around London or Kent, seeing the sights and natural beauty. I cannot eat at restaurants, but now enjoy cooking meals at home. I cannot buy clothes made of fine and delicate materials, but am glad to have clothes on my back.

I am nourished by the knowledge that I am making steps, however small, towards my own goals that resonate in my heart.

I am poor, but I am happy. I’m sure this time of poverty is only temporary. This is the time I am holding out for greater things which are soon coming my way.

On having it all

I thought writing should be a pure intention but I started caring about how many people were visiting my blog. I was a bit ashamed of myself for having shallow thoughts, which is why I decided to put an end to my beloved blog.

[Drumroll] However, this blog is now back.

So back to my Dawson O’Leary pontifications: Cliched may it sound, I am currently at a bit of a cross-roads. The past five months have been spent taking a break from the world of work and life has had a much slower pace. I have enjoyed the current life-style and very rarely rush beyond a natural pace.

I am at the age where I am reassessing the whole point of my life, and what life is supposed to mean.

I have always been ambitious and particularly in my younger years was obsessed with achievement. But I have currently come to the conclusion that it is not possible to be exceptional in your achievements and simultaneously lead ‘The Good Life’. Two years ago I thought it was possible to be a high-flyer and still have it all. I no longer think this is possible.

So the question is, what are things that one is willing to sacrifice?

I’ve really enjoyed cooking, eating fresh food and not eating at a frenetic pace. I’ve enjoyed catching up with friends properly. I’ve enjoyed not manically trying to get into the office at 9. None of this means I’m a lazy person though, but rather that I wish to be truly connected to life, rather than seeing life as a series of tasks.

So, I kind of a feel a bit of a dilemma. I want to be a high-flyer and achieve (for the sake of Allah) and part of me just wants to stay slowed down. I am both in awe and disdain of the fast-paced life which is obsessed with achievement.

My year in 2009

All praises are due to Allah alone. I am grateful to my Lord for the countless blessings he has bestowed upon me, including the hardships and obstacles which are really blessings in disguise. 2009 was the year I learnt the following:

Being true to oneself is sometimes a hard path to take but it has countless rewards, the most important of which is contentment.

Creativity is essential for the well being of the soul; to sing, dance, cook, write, draw, and make is to be connected to the energy of life – which is called ‘prana’ and ‘Qi’ in the Eastern traditions.

It is not selfish to focus one’s own life and personal development. Sometimes it is necessary to strengthen and know oneself before helping others.

There is an entrenched reliance upon the state to initiate societal change but power and change is within everyone’s grasp.

It is unnatural to sit in front of a computer 40 hours a week but many people are unfortunately happy to accept this as a normal way of life.

As a British person I am extremely privileged and the world is truly my oyster.

Faith has its ups and down, crises and doubts but ultimately I will still turn to my Lord.

Here’s to you 2010! Cheers! (with a frothy cup of elderflower)

Looking to the past for soul nourishment

I feel my life’s true purpose is to make a change in this world. Its injustices and suffering dawned upon me at the age of 13, and I’ve had a fire in my belly ever since.

Like many people though, at times I feel a bit lost.

I’ve been reflecting that perhaps it is enough to lead a decent, honest living and that there is no need to push myself to personal limits in trying to affect change (not that I often push myself to my limits, but that is my aspiration). Perhaps life is simply about being good; being prayerful, kind to family and friends, and earning an honest living. But although I respect people who lead this wholesome life, I try to resist wanting to resign myself to a ‘normal’ life, because for me that is not enough. To use the name of a charity in East London, I am a ‘restless being’. 

Sometimes we need to look to the past to reground ourselves as to what our life is all about. I recently read a poem I wrote at the tender age of 14. I marvel at its slight naivete, but it brings a smile to face. It is as if my gawky 14 year old self is traveling through time to give me a sermon and inspire me. She is telling me:

I am beginning to discover this world

It just makes me feel really sad,

Hatred, war and prejudice, 

How did it become this bad?

The answer to this is:

Power, greediness and envy

Our two world wars show this now,

You don’t know how sad it makes me.

But nuclear bombs the scariest things

Too destructive for our land to hold,

They’ll fall into the wrong hands one day,

And our world will all fall cold.

But I think there is hope for this disastrous thing,

By going on a march and protest,

We all have the power to change things,

Look forward and try our best.

The brave girl’s reflections (part 2)

The brave girl sat down on a bed of golden leaves and reflected on her journey up the mountain:

1) She had yearned to climb the mountain her whole life but the village-folk had deterred her

Sometimes people are well meaning and not so well meaning when they advise you against pursuing a burning ambition, calling or higher purpose. Do not be swayed by naysayers as they do not understand your insight or higher sense of purpose; some wish to live the simple, easy and honest existence, and others have a higher calling.  People are cut from a different cloth.

2) The summit was much higher than she had ever imagined

Sometimes we undertake a substantial task, project or feat and we never imagined how arduous it might be, as there was no way of knowing before we had set out on that particular journey. This does not justify giving up on that particular goal; we must encourage ourselves to reach that goal when glorious things await us.

3) She had experienced physical pain and hardship when climbing up the mountain

The mundane life is easy and free of genuine hardship. But those who embark on a substantial task or feat must often undertake self-sacrifice during that process. If you wish to achieve the incredible know that it is not easy.

4) She looked forward to take her new-found knowledge back to her village-folk

Many people prefer to stay in their own circle, whether that be friendship group, city or country. Although the village-folk had asked her to stay back, she had ventured out of her circle and as a result had acquired a new-found knowledge which would them benefit them greatly. In order to grow as people and achieve wisdom, we need to immerse ourselves in new and strange settings from time to time. The ‘sublime knowledge’ is a metaphor for the wisdom and experiental learning she had gained climbing up the mountain.

The elusive quest?

After a law degree and graduate scheme in local government, I have yet to find my calling and will not give up… But as I sift through jobs it just all seems mundane. Is there a job which allows true actualisation of the self; the balance between the creative, active, intellectual, social, the spiritual?

 

I did not envisage this life of routine.

 

Every now and then I read my old school books for a trip down memory lane and marvel at my level of imagination. At 13 I wrote a moving account of a soldier in the trenches and now wonder what’s happened to my grey matter. It seems the routine and hum-drum existence has created a drone who is incapable of recreating the same heartfelt insight…

 

And yet perhaps I’m still experiencing a come down from university life and simply need to wake up. University was a zesty life bursting at the seams, engulfed in dreams, opportunities and creativity. But maybe that was an artificial life on borrowed money and the essential nature of life is mere survival. Perhaps this dream job does not exist and this is exactly what life is supposed to be. 

 

Yet the idealist in me will continue to pursue the ever-elusive life of contentedness because I cannot resign myself to a life of mundanity. Maybe for the time being I need a job to put the bread on the table and will continue my ever-elusive quest.

 

I recognise my search is privileged because many people are thinking of their next meal, but Allah has given me this opportunity so I’m going to take it.

 

I choose the life of exploration and journeys – metaphorical and real

 

I choose a life of not resigning myself to a grey little box 35 hours a week wishing I was a soaring bird in the blue glorious skies.

 

I choose life.